DICK CHENEY aka MR. DITHERS

       There is no question that Dick Cheney has the biggest set of cojones on the planet.  He proved it again on the night of 10/21/09 in a speech he gave during a Washington D.C. conclave where he was given an “award” by the Center for Security Policy, a conservative “Hawks ‘R Us” think tank that perpetuates an obsolete and rigid Cold War-era militaristic stance on national security issues.  Conservatives do a lot of living in their pasts.

        Before we get to Mr. Cheney’s remarks, let’s make one thing very clear.  The “award” awarded to him is one of those hollow trumped up excuses to get someone like Mr. Cheney to make a speech.  It’s done all the time.  A conservative think tank giving a fellow ideologue an “award” is a mere act of collusive reinforcement or, to put it another way, it’s formal backslapping among friends.  There is no legitimate honor being extended or received—just an empty self-serving accolade.

       The “award” was Cheney’s idea, in order that he may have a public platform from which to cast his smirks and snarls.  I guess he should at least be commended for coming out of the closet.  No, not that one.  Cheney spent two whole terms closeted from public view, hiding behind or underneath his desk or wherever, emerging only now and again to back his boy Bush during Rose Garden bill signing ceremonies, making sure, one supposes, that “W” included those all-important and ubiquitous “signing statements.”

       Since he left office in January 2009, Cheney, who spent eight inglorious years masquerading as a vice president, has been speaking up a lot lately.  He has had no trouble whatsoever in violating a time-honored custom, where members of a previous administration hold their tongues about their sucessessors or new policies, at least for the first year or so, out of respect for the new Commander-in-Chief.  Cheney, however, wasted no time in firing one shot after another across the bow of the Obama Ship of State.  This from a man, who, during the Bush Administration, thundered repeatedly, that if you didn’t support George W. Bush as president 24/7, then you were not a patriot, with the implication that if you are not a patriot, then you are its antithesis, a traitor.  Following that logic, then Mr. Cheney is not acting like a very good patriot these days, is he?  The man who demanded that all of us support his guy 100%, and 100% of the time, is having a lot of trouble supporting Mr. Obama at all.  The reason is that Mr. Cheney has standards to keep; double standards.

       To the remarks.  What caught the media’s eye was one word.  “Dithering.”  Mr. Cheney said, to quote:  “The White House must stop dithering while America’s armed forces are in danger.”  He was addressing the Obama White House war policy in Afghanistan.  Now, to be fair, Mr. Cheney certainly knows a thing or two about “dithering.”  After all, dithering is what the Bush/Cheney Administration practiced to perfection for nearly eight totally inept years in Afghanistan.  They dithered there while focused on a war they launched in Iraq for no good reason and then couldn’t win.  The horrendous tactical decisions made during the Bush presidency are precisely what produced the unwinnable situation Obama now faces in Afghanistan, not to mention the untenable situation in Iraq.  You see, the problem with Cheney is that his faultfinding goes back only so far, to noon on January 20, 2009 to be precise, when Obama was sworn-in.

       Now to do what Cheney has been doing, appearing before adoring acolytes, working himself up into a lather about a situation he and “W” created and couldn’t win, and then shifting the blame to Obama for not solving their problem, takes a lot of gall.  Which brings us to the next expurgated thought from our former Cassandra-in-Office who “knew” that Saddam had warehouses filled with WMD (he didn’t), and who “knew” American soldiers would be greeted by grateful Iraqis stuffing roses into GI gun barrels (they didn’t).  Cheney said, again to quote:  “It’s time for President Obama to do what it takes to win a war.” 

       Wow!  Those cojones must weigh a ton!  Has historical fact unraveled that completely already?  Dick, Mr. Dithers, I hate to be the

bearer of bad tidings, but you and your Pinocchio President had nearly six years while you were in office to wrap up not one, not two, but three wars you started, yet you guys didn’t win any of them.  You and your buddy Bush left office with a record of 0 and 3!  Who the hell are you to be giving advice on “winning” a war?!

• The War in Afghanistan:  At the time it began, it was actually winnable, but it was allowed to fester into the morass it is today, while the neocons waged their war of aggression in Iraq.  Oh dare we mention that the geniuses of national defense like Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld never did find Osama bin Laden either?

• The War in Iraq:  A true war of aggression, it was launched on a platform constructed of 935 documented lies.  It was fought on piles of presumptions and couldn’t possibly be “won,” no matter how many times Bush said, in his haltingly childish vernacular, that we were “going to win it.”  Cheney himself confidently and idiotically declared:  “We will be greeted as liberators!”  From day one, we were “greeted” by IED’s and suicide bombers, “welcomed” as occupiers.  What Cheney wanted to “liberate” anyway was Iraq’s oil, not its people.

• The War on Terrorism:  It had a lot of public relations value in launching the other two wars, but it actually created pandemic terrorism, not contain it.  From the time Bush launched his illegal invasion in Iraq, the numbers of terrorist attacks worldwide have increased a whopping 1,400%!  (The numbers come from U.N. and U.S. counterterrorism audits.)  Bush and Cheney didn’t fight the War on Terror.  They created it!

       So that’s what Cheney was celebrated for by the Center for Security Policy.  He was given an award for being a big time loser and terrorism provocateur.  Although it wasn’t, the plaque Cheney accepted should have been called “The Chutzpah Award.”  If one thing is certain in American politics these days, it’s that conservatives know from chutzpah.

       Oh, and if there is another group out there thinking of giving Mr. Cheney an “award” (he’ll be contacting you soon anyway), may I suggest that no one has yet given him the “Jingoism Trophy?”  It’s a bronze statuette of a flag-waving patriot mounted on a piece of marble.  Well, it’s not real bronze; it’s plastic.  And okay, it’s not real marble either; it’s resin.  Blame it on the lousy economy, another Bush/Cheney legacy.  Like every American flag pin on every politician’s lapel, it was outsourced, made in China.  And like the “accomplishments” of the Bush/Cheney Administration and Mr. Cheney’s revisionist view of his own history, a process involving arrogant denial and situational ignorance, the “awards” and attendant accolades are illusory and as phony as a $3 bill.

       Mr. Cheney, do the American people a real service, just for once.  Go back into hiding.  Along with dithering, it’s what you do best.  The nation needs you to fade away like the bad dream you were.  Do your dithering in private if you don’t mind.

       One more thing, Dick.  You did your best to change the mandate of your office, to put the vice presidency in charge of a “shadow government,” wielding power that wasn’t Constitutionally assigned to you.  You got away with it, and to the everlasting detriment of the nation.  Regardless, its time you understood your real place in the scheme of things.  You would do well to consider what FDR’s veep, John Nance Garner, once said:  “The vice presidency isn’t worth a pitcher of warm piss.”  And Dick, neither are your opinions.

John Wydra